slow
Good Morning you wall-hitting, but little-bit-hopeful crawlers.
Since the beginning of the year, every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning I would sit down at my computer from 7AM-8:30AM to write. I posted an overly exuberant 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️ emoji in my writer group chats and then got to work. And every morning I looked at my low word count and felt frustration, fear, disappointment…and shame.
I understand academically that I can’t expect the output I was capable of before the pandemic, but it sneaks in quite without my permission. I’ve gone from thousands of words to maybe hundreds, if not tens. It’s… been humbling to say the least.
But, of course as with most hard lessons we’re being made to learn during these long months, what’s underneath that frustration, fear, disappointment and shame is about a lot more than just low word count.
Simply put, somewhere along the line, I started to believe that my value and worth derived from my ability to be productive. I believed that it was not so much my ideas or thoughts that were valuable, but the speed, quantity and ease at which I communicated them that was prized. In other words, it was about the word count, not the words.
The hard road to understanding started, as most epiphanies do, with a change of emoji.
One morning, instead of a 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️ in my writer chats, I put a 🐢🐢🐢 instead. Something about owning it, getting that shame of the slowness out in the open (where it can’t continue to spin its conspiracy theories, btw) started to help me face the reality - not process it or anything - just FACE it. And facing things, really seeing them, is most times the hardest part. Because once you face something - at least for me - a) you can no longer ignore it and b) you see that it’s a lot more complicated (and tender and painful and deep) than just, “Ugh, why are you being so lazy! All this procrastinating, just look at what everyone else is making! You just need to try harder!”
Facing things, means admitting that you’re maybe not as okay as you would like to think you are.
I’m still in the process of facing my own slowness and am currently in active negotiations: Yes, I understand that being slow means I get to be more thoughtful and that the work is WAY deeper than before simply because I’m sitting with it longer and see all the angles and curves of this world like never before. Yes, I understand that we are nearing the anniversary of getting locked down and that I need to be patient and tender with myself, but…but… please, Gods of Efficiency, what if - and I’m just spitballin here - we could make me be just a little bit faster and a little bit less sad?
And the Gods of Efficiency gently answer back: Slow and steady wins the race, Little Turtle.
🐢🐢🐢
Each month, I’ll gather:
❤️funny tweets
🤩stuff to watch, read and listen to
🤝great follows on social media
🌈 music to soothe
🕯calming things
*****
❤️
🤩
This Unlocking Us podcast episode with Roxane Gay and Debbie Millman is one of the most romantic, hopeful lovely episodes ever.
And it made me want to binge Debbie Millman’s Design Matters podcast. Smart people talking about the creative process is my catnip.
Ani DiFranco has a new album out?!??!
I’m watching and enjoying The Investigation on HBO. It’s got two of my favorite actors from my beloved Borgen.
I love this beautiful Ray Charles mash up by Joseph Solomon.
I rarely share the things I make at BuzzFeed, but I’m very proud of this episode Adam and I made with Andrew, Inga and Alvin about ways to use a cast iron pan.
Jazmine Sullivan’s Tiny Desk Concert is TRULY incredible and a must watch. And then go listen to her phenomenal new album all the times.
🤝
Ashley Johnson is my absolute FAVORITE follow on Instagram. I just love everything she posts and can’t sing her praises enough. (Her trainer is also an amazing follow.)
Rosa Beltran’s interior designs are… just… sighhhh, get ready to swoon.
Shavonda Gardner’s interior design just makes you ACHE and she’s designing this couch right now and… it’s just wonderful.
🌈
(thank you to Daniel for ^ that one)
🕯
Hood Century Modern is one of my favorite Instagram follows, and he’s started selling his photographs. Needless to say I bought one and can’t wait to get it framed.
I got one of those fancy Space Masks and I really like it - the nose piece makes the whole fogged up glasses thing a BIT better, but it fits REALLY snug without feeling suffocating. The fabric is nice, too.
I’ve been trying to do more “activities” that feel “special” in this “hellscape.” Here are some things that were lovely:
Virtual Concerts through Noon Chorus(I watched a Robin Pecknold one and a Paul Cauthen one - both great and super affordable)
Cookbook author events through Now Serving and MAD Mondays through the MAD Feed and finally…
I did a delightful chocolate tasting (thanks to my niece’s recommendation) through River Sea Chocolates.
All wonderful and all lifted an otherwise routine feeling evening.