The Brown Sweater
Good Morning weary travelers.
This past week was rough. The West Coast is currently engulfed in flames and specifically my little area in Southern California is itself battling the Bobcat Fire. Tuesday night was the worst, because it was all down to which way the Santa Ana winds would blow. Late that night, the alert came in that two streets up from me was being evacuated, so I packed a bag and grabbed the most random assortment of items, as one does, when they think all is about to be lost.
But, as I was rushing around I couldn’t find one thing: My Brown Sweater.
It’s not even a good sweater. It’s only got one sad little button left on it, there’s a rip at the neckline and the color is inexplicably lighter on one side. But, it’s been the sweater I’ve been wearing around the house during this whole pandemic. I guess I didn’t notice that somewhere along the way, it had become my version of Linus’ blanket.
But, I couldn’t find it.
I didn’t sleep at all that night. The smoke was so thick I couldn’t get a read on how close the fire was, so I just had to wait for a police car driving down my street or an alert that would tell me I had to evacuate. But, it never came. The Santa Anas had blown north instead of south. Wednesday morning I opened my front door, naively hoping to see clear skies and no orange glow. Instead, I was met with even thicker smoke, raining ash and a hazy sun off in the distance. We’d gotten through one precarious night, but as the helicopters circle and I’m now holed up in a hotel, we still have many more to go. But, as I closed the front door on that Wednesday, I looked down… and there was my brown sweater hanging on the ear of a little wooden chair, the brown of the sweater perfectly matching the brown of the wood. No wonder I’d missed it.
And I just broke down.
I really wanted to be the kind of person who was able to handle all this, keeping up my dopey routines, making coffee and drinking enough water, writing and hitting deadlines and not falling behind at work. But, as I clutched at that stupid brown sweater with everything I had… the denial I was in exploded into a million fragments and I was forced to see the truth of what was underneath all that “handling.” Because however much I waxed rhapsodic about embracing sadness, all I did in real life was use the last plastic bag in that box for some lunch meats and promptly throw the whole thing in the garbage, both box and sadness, strangely proud of myself for being so tidy. And to follow this metaphor all the way through, the actual drawer is now off its hinges and I can’t even open it anymore. So, that’s not tragically apropos or anything.
I know that my exploding denial is a good thing. I know that all that emotion has to come out and it’s no surprise that it’s coming out only by force, as that’s usually how it works with me. I don’t have any wise words or a point to all this. Just that I would bet I’m not the only person clutching a stupid brown sweater - or whatever seemingly small thing it was that finally pushed you that one step too far - as they finally let themselves cry about how wrung out they are and what they wouldn’t give for just one really good night’s sleep.
Until that time, I’ll just make sure to always know where my brown sweater is.
Each Monday morning, I’ll gather:
❤️good tweets
🤩stuff to watch, read and listen to
🤝great follows on social media
🌈 music to soothe
🕯calming things
*****
❤️
🤩
Watching Liziqi forage for mushrooms is the most calming five minutes you’ll spend.
This Twitter thread on how to make your own Air Purifier is genius. (Thank you to Alyssa for this)
One of my top shows of forever is now streaming on Netflix and I could NOT be more excited. Everyone needs to watch Borgen - it’s basically the Danish West Wing and … it’s so good. (you’ll see a couple Game of Thrones alumnae in there, as well)
Next up on my TBR pile is David Chang’s new memoir, Eat a Peach.
The truly brilliant Pen15 returns for Season Two on September 18th and it’s everything we need right now.
🤝
Follow Kellie Brown for beautiful interior design and fashion inspiration.
Follow Allison Graham for fashion inspiration and beautiful photography.
Follow Renike for gorgeous art and illustrations
🌈
🕯
Look. I’m a sucker for a pennant. I think I’m a sucker for anything I can hang on a wall that’s got some texture and shape to it other than something that’s framed. All of Oxford Pennant’s stuff is great, but I really love this one.
I’m starting to get into coffee. I KNOW. But, I’m really loving Unity coffee (thank you to Adam for that one) and up next, I’m going to try BLK & Bold.
On top of coffee, BLK & Bold also has some pretty great Spotify playlists, as well.
I tried both Shower Gels from Garner’s Gardens, and the Activated Charcoal Body Wash came out in front for me. There’s more lather and it’s just… a more substantial soap experience. <— hahah, what? They’re both lovely though. Your whole bathroom smells like a fresh meadow after you shower.