The Kinda-Wants
Good Morning you hot and smoky loveys.
So pretty much as soon as I hit send on last week’s pep talk that we should all give ourselves whatever we want, I became paralyzed by the sheer audacity of it. Like… who do I think I am, The Queen of England? Clearly I can’t have WHATEVER I want, just… like yay drink more water! <— an actual thing I said to myself.
What I’m learning - and this is one of those Groundhog Day lessons where I wake up to it everyday like Sonny and Cher’s, I’ve Got You Babe - is that I have no idea what I want. What I am very good at, is knowing what I KINDA-WANT.
See, the Kinda-Want has been beta-tested for decades. A complicated algorithm of:
What society has told me I deserve +
The feeling of false pride I’ve learned to prize by “being good, “selfless” and “easy breezy cover girl” +
The fear of taking too much and people calling me “high maintenance”, “greedy” or “selfish” +
What’s the least of something I can get by on.
So, when I’m asked what I want, I have to wait and see what the Kinda-Want Algorithm spits out before I can take action. And it’s not just about the little things either. The Kinda-Want Algorithm sadly consults on all wants, big and small.
But the thing about this particular moment in time - the shittiest silver lining ever - is that The Kinda-Wants are no match for what this pandemic has brought and wrought. And because of that, it’s blown the doors off a system I’ve had in place for decades.
And all of this led me to the paralysis of last week. I needed and wanted more, but didn’t know where to start.
There’s this scene (the part i’m talking about is at 1.14) in The Force Awakens that makes me cry every time. It’s the scene where Han, Chewie, Finn, Rey and BB-8 are visiting Maz Kanata when the First Order attacks. They’re outnumbered and losing. And then... the resistance comes to save the day:
Right now, I’m outnumbered and losing. And the Kinda-Wants have limped me along, but I need those X-Wing Fighters. I need to figure out what I really want so I can win not only the Battle of the Pandemic, but the larger war for a life well-lived.
But, where do I start? Maybe I start by learning to just want to …want.
Each Monday morning, I’ll gather:
❤️funny tweets
🤩stuff to watch, read and listen to
🤝great follows on social media
🌈 music to soothe
🕯calming things
*****
❤️
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Annie sent me the single best Pride and Prejudice Meme ever - and I’m going to share it here - BUT FIRST, a bit of a Meme Tutorial for those who need it: Back when Game of Thrones was in its final season there were these big public watch parties. From those watch parties, the most iconic, viral clip that came out of those, was this one. <— if you have not seen the final season of Game of Thrones, a) congratulations it’s terrible but also.. b) maybe don’t click that link it’s a giant spoiler. And then Annie sent me this MASTERPIECE.
Misha Green’s, Lovecraft Country is amazing, scary as shit and I am SO IN - you know for the parts I can see through my fingers. 😱😱😱
I also love Ashley C. Ford and Shannon Houston’s podcast about Lovecraft Country.
Gillian Welch has a new album out and it’s the perfect beautiful, sad album we need right now.
🤝
Follow poet and professor Bridgette Bianca, then go watch this performance of one of her breathtaking poems and then go buy her book, be/trouble.
Follow Krystle Collins for beautiful embroidery, DIY kits, and workshops.
Follow Nikkolas Smith for gorgeous art and classes on Creating Art for Change.
🌈
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I’ve decided I’m done with summer and need the harvesty goodness of Fall STAT. And then? My friend, Thespi, sent over this Apple Cider Doughnut Loaf Cake recipe that confirmed I was not the only one that wanted that cuddly gooeyness of fall - and hopefully the weather to go along with it.
This playlist of lofi music is THE BEST just to have in the background. It walks that line where it fills the house with mellow, background music, without being a downer, if that makes sense.
This article is from 2017, but it rates and reviews the BEST teas to help you fall asleep. Personally, I’m here for the Mother’s Little Helper from David’s Tea that the reviewer said, “fucked me up in the office, so I save this one for seriously stressful nights…” I think we know a thing or ten thousand about “seriously stressful nights” these days.