The Pool
Good Morning you enraged, weary summertime beauties.
(note: i wrote this piece before Friday’s ruling. If you want what I would have written after, just rage scream until you start sobbing and you’ve got the idea.)
During the pandemic I crafted a daily routine that helped me to keep my head above water. When everything else was uncertain, me and my routine were certain. And as the chaos spiraled, I held tight to my routines. Tighter and tighter…
But, lately those routines have begun to hold too tightly to me.
Case in point:
Back when I was still recovering from cancer, Mom suggested that when I was ready I come swim in their pool to build back my strength. Swimming and being in water is my top very favorite thing. As I thought about swimming, I found myself pulled between two battling wants: I wanted to swim, but I also wanted my morning routine just as it’d been for the last two years. As my start date for swimming loomed, I anxiously got my swim bag together, bought a li’l kickboard, tested all my old swimming stuff (suit, goggles, cap, etc..) and packed it all up and set it down next to the door. I was excited, but … there was an edge to it.
I decided I would do my first swim on a day that I didn’t work, so that I could do a dry run (or a wet run heyo!) without the pressure of having to be at my desk by 9AM. The day came and I woke up and … I was just… I was SO MAD. Because rather than padding into the kitchen and putting the kettle on, I had to tug on a fucking bathing suit and drive over to my parents’ house where I stepped into a non-heated pool at the crack of dawn* (*8:02AM).
My parents’ backyard is an oasis. Green everywhere, birds, butterflies, fountain. It’s a paradise and I stomped into it, set my bag down on an adorable glass table, pulled off my clothes and fussed with all the gear that goes into swimming. Nothing went where it was supposed to, everything was hard and as I stood over the pool I vowed this would be the last time I would do this. There had to be another way.
I stepped into the pool, staving off that moment when my shoulders had to go under the water (you can feel it right now, can’t you???) - the swim cap tight on my head, I walked around in the shallow end until…. I breathed. A big breath. Deep and full. I started to hear the birds. The rippling water. I looked up - the green surrounded me, blue sky, birds flitted about.
And I smiled.
That swim was FINE. I’m tall and have a very large wing span, so it took me about 4 strokes to get across the little pool - so it wasn’t really swimming, but mostly pushing off walls - but I also found myself PLAYING. Hopping around in the water, goofing around with my kickboard… and I wasn’t there for more than 30 minutes, but when I got back into my car… I couldn’t stop smiling. I had that SO summertime feeling of having just been in a pool - you know, your skin feels so cool and the hair at the nape of your neck is just wet enough to drip down your spine. There’s NOTHING like it.
And that’s when I got it.
Those daily routines helped me to keep my head above the water line. They kept the lights on in a really dark time. But this? This felt like LIFE. I was living. I felt alive and while those daily routines were comfortable and safe, they weren’t vital. They weren’t thriving. They weren’t lifting my spirits.
I talked to my therapist about it and he said… well you don’t just take your body to the pool… you take your heart and your brain and your soul, too. And fuck, my soul needed the pool SO BAD. How long has it been since I played? How long has it been since I splashed around and thought of nothing else but how beautiful the morning was? I could feel myself coloring in, lights turning on inside me - I was coming back to life.
At some point, Chani Nicholas - who everyone should follow - said that a good daily mantra for trying to keep yourself in gratitude and in the beauty of a moment is, “Show me how good it can be.”
On that morning, as I played in the water with the birds flitting just overhead… I was shown how good it can be.
May you too search for your good.
❤️❤️❤️
Because apparently this is going to be relevant every fucking month - Some helpers I’ve looked to this past week are:
National Network of Abortion Funds
National Abortion Access Fund for Survivors
Brian Derrick : He breaks down smaller races that need our donations/volunteerism that can make a big impact on a local level.
Each month, I’ll gather:
❤️funny tweets
🤩stuff to watch, read and listen to
🤝great follows on social media
🌈 music to soothe
🕯calming things
*****
❤️
🤩
Big news ya’ll - It’s the final season of Endeavour.
Here’s a (not so) fun thing about having a broken brain, I’m watching all the old Marples over again because i’ve COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN them. And I’m just going to say? Jane Marple is an icon and I really do aspire to design my life after hers.
A Year to the Day, Robin Benway’s follow up to Far From the Tree, is SUCH a glorious book.
Well, I finally watched Everything Everywhere All At Once and holy shit. All the hype? Is almost not enough? It’s… extraordinary. (It’s streaming now, btw)
I absolutely loved Fire Island - classic rom-com, beautifully shot by Andrew Ahn and Joel Kim Booster’s script is exquisite. Also, I’ll just… I’ll watch anything Bowen Yang is in tbh. (I liked The Lost City, but it was Bowen Yang’s 20 second scene when Sandra Bullock is trying to get on the high stool that still stands out as my favorite moment.)
You’ll be wanting to listen to Muna’s version of Britney’s Sometimes on repeat.
I started both The Responder and The Paris Murders (I can’t find a link for it - it’s Profilage in French and it’s on Amazon) and they’re FINE? Are they Jane Marple? NO. But, in a pinch I guess.
🤝
Follow Dr. Elyse Love for the BEST skin care tips and all things dermatological.
Follow Arvin Olano for gorgeous home decor.
Follow Yassmin Abdel-Magied for brilliant conversation around organizing and revolution. And then go buy her BOOK.
🌈
Spitting Off The Edge of the World - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (feat. Perfume Genius) I’m unhealthily obsessed with this song
🕯
So my sister bought THIS lotion at a fair in North Carolina and gifted some to my Mom and we’ve become OBSESSED. It’s so light and the smell is so bright … and it WORKS. Seriously the best.
Dr. Elyse Love’s FULL LIST of all her favorite skin care products is SO GOOD.
I bought THIS and THIS and they’re both seriously the best things I’ve ever owned.
I also bought THIS after watching Everything Everywhere All At Once. (I also got the Spiderverse one, The Breakfast Club one and the Parasite one)
I ran out of my coffee last week and I had to run to get some whatever beans until my next shipment came. Having those whatever beans made me truly embrace how incredible THIS coffee is.
Also, I’m loving THIS protein powder in my smoothies. Can’t taste it at all, gets whirred up and it’s plant based.
🥰 I am here. Together, we will endeavor to just do the next right thing. 🥰
See you on the last Monday of every month.
You make Mondays so much better Liza. Thanks for bringing a little joy to the world.